How to Start Recovering Emotionally from the Divorce

Now the divorce is over, my friend. I know how tired you are and I know how confused and scared you may be. It is finally over, what a relief. Have a nice dinner with the friend who helped you through the process. It is a milestone. You have just completed one of the most difficult tasks in life!

But now what? Oh my God, what have I done? Can I really live the rest of my life alone? Can I make it, will I ever be happy again? Can I raise my kids by myself? How do I deal with that jerk?

Emotions run deep and tears well up easily. Everyone else seems to have got their lives together and are happy. Why did this happen to me? What have I done wrong ?

What is wrong with me? Why did I choose to marry that guy?

Before you try to bury all the past and put a brave face and march on. I want you to take a break. I know things are piling, kids are waiting, work is not easy, and home is a mess. There is so much to do. Many are waiting for you to do something. You have just finished a massive battle and you are still bleeding.

The first step is to rest, acknowledge yourself and let your feelings out.

If it is possible at all, I want you to take at least 3 days off. Find a good friend who went through a divorce, or simply someone you can trust. Cry it out, dump out all your fears and emotions, just share and don’t expect answers. You must grieve, don’t be ashamed of your emotions and vulnerability. You are made of flesh and blood. You are vulnerable. Then just sleep and rest, don’t binge eat or do anything rash. Just rest and take care of your body. You are feeling raw, and have a thousand feelings right now. Write them down. Don’t judge them. It is just what it is, they are your feelings. They are your reactions. No more or less.

At the end of the rest, I want you to take a long shower, put on some makeup and have a nice lunch with your kids or a friend. The marriage and divorce is over. It is a milestone.

The second step is decide what you want to do with your emotions. Yes, you need to decide.

Many of us do not realize we need to decide what to do with our emotions and let the emotions lead our decisions and run our lives. That is how most of us live most of the time. For example, when we feel crabby, most of us either let it out or bottle it.Then we say things we regret later and we feel more terrible for the rest of the day,

Right now, you still feel being wronged, still angry at him/her, at the world, and scared. Most naturally, we chose (without knowing it was a choice) to stay angry at the jerk. Many of us keep rehearsing all the wrongs he/she did all these years, and all the sacrifices we made for him/her and for the family. We may tell others, or just rehearsing the sad past in our own mind. We feel so sorry for ourselves and want to stay in bed and cry more.

We need to acknowledge the emotions. We are human after all. Give yourself some time to grieve. But then we need to decide how long we want to linger there.

We can, if you choose, to stay here and be the victim, let the world know how miserable your life is because of that jerk. But friend, while this might feel good for a few minutes, your life will remain here as a victim, because you gave more power to the jerk by continuing to focus on the past and on what wrongs they have done to you. You are stronger than you think. What is the alternative choice we can make?

The phrase I want you to remember is “ I control my thoughts. Anytime that I let the past rehearse, I am giving them and past power, I chose to let that go and send the past to the past. I chose to focus on the good, on God, and on my future”

The negative feelings are like waves, and will often come back. But each time, you must control your thoughts and stop the urge to rehearse. You might feel some level of revenging when you rehearsing the past injury and see in your mind how terrible the you ex was. But think about it, he/she does not feel any of your bitterness, and is probably sipping margaritas in Hawaii while you are rehearsing the past. Holding onto the past hurts, and not forgiving only hurts you. You must let go and forgive your ex. Forgiveness is not for him/her, it is for you. Don’t let your past control your future.

Let’s choose to think this is the first day of the rest of your life and you just hit the big “RESET and REFRESH” button. You get to design what you want your future to be! I know you are still scared and trembling, feeling weak. That is ok. It is the first day of the rest of your life.

Whether you get divorced or not, what do you really want you life to be, what are the most important things to you

Here is an example:

• I want to kids to grow up emotionally healthy and strong

• I want my kids to have happy marriages, not negatively influenced by my marriage

• I want to be able to laugh often at home, and kids don’t feel pressured or walking on eggshells all the time

• I want to be wanting to come home rather than running away from the home

• I want to feel secure and loved, and want my kids to feel secure and loved

• I want to be able to provide for my children

And sit down, maybe revise it, and write down what you really want your life to be.

Here are my top 3

• I want to kids to grow up emotionally healthy and strong

• I want to feel secure and loved, and want my kids to feel secure and loved

• I want my home to fill with laughters

For each of the wants, write down 1 or 2 things you and your kids can do, most of these don’t have to cost money.

Here are some examples:

-I want to kids to grow up emotionally healthy and strong

• I will tell them I love them everyday

• I will eventually share what I learned from my life with them

• I will seek people who can be the role model for my kids, and invite them to my house for dinner

-I want to feel secure and loved, and want my kids to feel secure and loved

• I will be careful on whom I spend time with, and only spend time with people who love and support me right now

• I will connect with my kids everyday and support them emotionally

- I want my home to fill with laughter

• I will read a joke and tell one joke a day, I will encourage the kids to do the same

• I will make sure we have dinner together if possible to share our days

• I will look for the good things that happened today and be grateful for them and share that with the kids

• I will buy ice cream, or go to fro-yo and have a good time with a low budget.

This is not a time to have massive changes in your life, but it is a time to start the engine for the positive outlook and actions towards it. Find activities that is fun and bond your family, as you are healing together.

In the fall when I started the divorce process, my kids and I were very intentional to find fun things to do as a family. One weekend, we dressed up and went to find streets with beautiful fall leaves, we took a lot of pictures.

During Halloween, we all dressed up. We did not want to spend money, but we all found a costume somehow. We found a pizza place that gave free pizza. We danced and posed for a funny picture. Then we went to a neighborhood that was fully decorated for the holiday and spent an afternoon roaming around, enjoying the view and festivity.

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in

whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold”

Psalms 18:2-6