Restart after the Divorce
It takes a while for you to get to a normal routine of the new life. For my case, it took two years till I finally had a steady rhythm and felt life was not a constant battle. I still had many emotional scars. One of the key areas was my sense of identity. I used to think I who I was as a person was a successful woman in life, as I had a good career and a normal family with two great kids. The divorce shook me to the core and for many months I felt I failed in life. What made it more challenging was the lack of acceptance or support from my parents. Growing up in an Asian household, my parents used to be proud of me and bragged about my achievements. Now, they felt ashamed of my divorce. They hid the news of my divorce from all the extended family till this day and avoided the topics as much as possible. This hurt me deeply and further made me feel like a “complete failure”. For several years, I doubted myself, my value, my competence, even at work, which is one area I was confident at. I lost my confidence in almost every area. I doubted that I could ever recover and fly high in life again It was a painful process.
But little by little, I started rebuilding my life with God’s help. There are three things that helped me through this rebuilding process.
Realize that you can be better with these scars. The pain and suffer makes you stronger and better if you allow it. There is this famous Japanese art called Kintsugi(or kintsukuroi). It is a Japanese method for repairing broken ceramics with a special lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum. The philosophy behind the technique is to recognize the history of the object and to visibly incorporate the repair into the new piece instead of disguising it. The process usually results in something more beautiful than the original. Our scars and suffering can do that for us if we don’t stay in a broken state of mind.
Treat this as a new opportunity, a starting point to design yourself. Life gave us a pause, a reset. Let’s use it. There is no need to hold on to the past, romanticize it and think it was better. It was not. Otherwise, you would not be here.
Really take an inventory of what is important to you, what you are good at, what you want to accomplish. Identify the next baby step moving towards what you want to be.
Take an afternoon, going to the woods, and clear your head.
Ask:
If I am celebrating my birthday in 20 years, what would I like to have done, what would I like for the people I love to say about me?
Here is my list:
I want my loved ones to say I have been an awesome mom, who loved and supported my kids and helped them becoming the healthy and strong, resilient, generous people they are now
I want my friends and family to say that I have been kind and generous with my time, money, and affection, and I have supported and helped many with my money, and resources
I want to have made an impact with my experiences, intelligence, and have helped a lot of people, especially women like me, sharing God’s love to people
I wanted to have lived a life of laughter, and maybe had picked up a new instrument I would enjoy playing with my family
What is your list?
Now identify 3 things you can do now towards that..
Here are mine:
Prioritize my kids over other wants, schedule time for my family and friends. Trim down the “just social” activities.
Do my job well and manage my finance well so I can help others
Work on Dear Younger Me project to use my hardships to help others
What are the three things for you?
Go and be the person you wanted to be!
“but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint”
(Isaiah 40:31)