Getting Through the Divorce Legal Process
By now you have passed the initial separation stage. Hopefully, you have been able to have some civil discussions with your ex, and you agreed on trying to get through the process as smooth as possible. Here are the next steps:
Getting to an agreement for major items, and don’t sweat over the small items.
Getting an agreement is always the longest process in this phase. If you can talk to your ex and get that done without a lawyer, you just saved a lot of money and headache.
Once you have a draft agreement, you can then hire the lawyer.
The lawyer will take sometime to put in legal terms.
Then you all review and re-iterate.
Once you have a legal agreement that is agreeable, you all sign and the lawyer will submit to the court.
Typically in 2-4 months, the court will approve and send back the final divorce decree. That marks the end of the official divorce.
Once you get the final separation decree, you should go to the county and register the divorce.
This is a difficult phase no matter how we sugar-coat it. We are breaking apart the joint lives we had, and for some of us, that was how we lived a majority of our lives. We are now trying to do the best we can to divide the assets fairly and to help set up for our future. This process takes a lot out of you emotionally and physically. It takes a lot of energy and requires clarity in thinking, discipline in keeping emotion in check. In the meantime, we also still have to keep the life afloat. We have to continue working to keep our job. The kids are keenly aware of the process, and they are anxious and frightened as you are, if not more. Some of them might also internalize and think it might be their fault. They could also fear the divorce means mom or dad will no longer love them, or take care of them.
Here are some suggestions that will help you through this
You
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Take care of yourself physically. You are under tremendous stress and need every ounce of strength you can have. Make it a top priority to have a routine of at least some light exercise during this time. It does not matter what it is, or how much you do. All that matters is that you do it regularly, daily if possible. If you can, go to a gym, or be outside. This routine does not only help you physically, it also brings some stability and structure to your life. This will help reduce the stress caused by the change and chaos.
Make sure you eat well, rest as much as you can. You have a lot on your plate and in your mind. Don’t miss meals or eat haphazardly. This is a time that you should ask help from family and friends. Ask them to help with the chores. If you can afford, get help to clean the house and baby sit from time to time, to give yourself a break.
If you are religious, your faith could be your lifeline in this period. If you are Christian, find a couple of strong Christian friends who can talk and pray with you regularly. That support would be very helpful through this process. Some Christians feel guilty or ashamed, and isolate themselves during this time. That extra guilt makes this process even heavier. I don’t want anyone to divorce and if possible at all, I would want you to try everything you can to save your marriage. But if you tried and are already here, I want to tell you, that you don’t need to feel guilty and isolate yourself or walk away from your faith. God loves you no matter what you did, what the circumstances you are in. Think about it, if you see your son hurt either by others or by his own stupidity, would you yell and push him away or would you want to love and take care of him? That is how God feels about you right now. He loves you and He wants you to be with him. If the people in your church are not kind or helpful, it is ok to find a different church.
Kids
Next put on the oxygen masks for the kids. Sit down with the kids and assure them that you love them and this is not their fault. It is an issue that you are working out. Assure them that you love them and you will take care of them. Tell them that you will be busy and stressed for a period of time, but the time will pass. Ask them to help you with some chores if they are old enough. This will help them feel better and it will help you as well.
Don’t share what arguments/discussions you are having. The kids don’t need to know right now. Don’t vent to them, they are not your therapists. Don’t say anything bad about your spouse, even if they are a jerk. The children don’t need to be in the middle. This is your cross to bear, not theirs. If you need to vent, find a friend or a therapist. Except for the custody issue, don’t involve them in the discussion.
If possible, try to get the kids to have some fun, and help them stay away for sometime from the stress at home. Find a few trusted friends and family members that you can confide with. Ask for their help to take the kids out for fun activities or just take care of them for sometime. You need help. If you ask, people normally will be glad to help.
If it is summer break and your parents are happy to help, maybe send the kids to grandparents for some time.
Make sure the kids have a routine, they need stability and structure more than any other time. Their world is changing. Anything that helps them to feel stable is good. If they are in sports, music, clubs, if possible, ensure they continue those activities.
Whom to talk to
Talk to an even-heeled friend that you can trust through the process. This friend can be your shoulder to cry on and also give you sensible advice. It is better not to talk to your mom or your family, as most of the moms will be more emotional than you, sometimes their love for you will bias them and will not be good advisors.
Don’t tell the world. Only tell the people who need to know and who are there to help. You don’t have energy to explain. If people ask, just politely say” Thanks for checking on me, I will let you know if I need help.”
Job
At this phase of life, you are probably feel anxious and very insecure. So in general, it is not a good time to make changes at work unless you have to. It is ok to keep working and career ambition on the back burner for awhile. Life comes and goes in phases, now it is not the time to focus on career. You should continue doing your job to the best you can as you want some stability to allow yourself to recover and regroup. Sometimes, your job is a nice distraction from the chaos. Sometimes, you will be so overwhelmed and it is ok to take that day off.
At work, tell your boss and a few trusted colleagues that you may need help from. As you will be going to meetings with your lawyer and you will need them to support you. You don’t need to tell them the details, just “ I am going through the divorce process and need some time to deal with things. I would appreciate your understanding and support while I am going through this.” But if you know the people well and have built trusted relationship, you can open up more and get more help from them.
Strange as it sounds, the world is still moving. You may even be asked to take on new or additional tasks. You might get a promotion. The question to ask yourself is: is this something I can handle without too much additional stress?
When I was going through it, I turned down some expanded responsibilities. I knew I needed more time for myself and my kids. I shared with a few people and my team at work on what was happening and they supported me through the couple of years. My team at the time was extremely supportive of me and called themselves “Julia’s Angels,” I was deeply touched by their kindness. I know it might sound silly to turn down a promotion since you worked hard for it. But life is more than work or promotion, you are more important than the title or the money. The most important question is: is this good for you at this time? For some people, this is a nice distraction with additional financial benefits. For some, this extra stress is more than you can bear. Only you know what is right for you.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7