How to Start the Divorce Process on the Right Foot

If you are certain that divorce is the right step, the next question is: “Is this the right time?”

There is never a good time for divorce. Moreover, since divorce is most likely a one-way street, there is no need to rush the divorce. However, there are critical time periods that you should try to avoid. Here are a few examples of such times:

• You have a family member with a critical health problem who may be irreversibly negatively affected by this additional stress. This is especially true if this could potentially endanger that person’s life.

• One or more of your kids is going through a critical phase or especially difficult time. For example, if any of your kids is a senior in high school, it might be better to wait until they leave home.

Now that both of you have decided this is the best path forward, your next step is to try to start the process right, maximizing the grace through the process to minimize long-term pain. You know how sad and hurtful you are feeling right now. The life you knew is disappearing right in front of your eyes and the future is very scary. Most likely your ex-spouse is having the similar feeling, even though both of you don’t want to stay in the marriage. Communicate with your ex-spouse and be clear that the goal is to undertake the process as two gracious human beings who used to love each other want to make the parting process as smooth as possible. Please keep this in mind when making every decision throughout the process.

Many people make the mistake of thinking that the goal of the divorce procedure is to maximize what he or she can get from their former partner. This is understandable, as it is natural to be fearful about the future and want to secure as much as possible. However, because of this mindset, couples can begin to act selfishly and quickly become enemies. 

This is often worsened by a divorce attorney saying: “I am here for you. I will protect you and help you get most of the deal.” Although lawyers are helpful in navigating the logistics and process, don’t ever assume your lawyer and your objectives are the same. Remember that the divorce lawyer’s job is to maximize gain for one person at the expense of the other. Moreover, the lawyer gets paid more if the divorce process lasts longer and increases in complexity. Ultimately, they are motivated by the transaction fee, even if they are nice and helpful to you, and you should view them as assistants in the process rather than your friends for important decisions. Many people make the mistake of hiring the divorce attorney too early and letting them drive the process. This typically leads to a long and ugly divorce process, and a large legal bill. Worst of all, the two people who used to be husband and wife have become enemies and will probably have many years of resentment towards each other because of the divorce process. You may not want to be husband and wife, but you don’t have to be enemies.

Here is what I recommend:

1. Don’t hire a lawyer too early. Before getting legal advice, sit down with your ex and civilly discuss how you would like to handle the major items and write your decisions down. You might not think this is possible. But think about it, you two know each other very well, and both love your kids. Both of you want to be out of the marriage. You will be surprised how much you can agree on without a third party meddling in the middle.

2. Take time to focus on what needs to be agreed on and what needs to be done. Try to avoid discussions of why the relationship failed or whose fault it is. It is very tempting to rehash the blame. But that is already the past. Rehashing the pain does not help anyone. Remain as cool as possible and try to agree on principles about how to divide the assets and who pays for what in the future. If you become emotional and start arguing, take a break and regroup next time. 

3. Clearly understand your respective priorities. 

   1. First, think about what is most important to you and why

      1. For example:

         1. I want to stay in the house until our son finishes high school so we don’t disrupt his life

         2. I want the kids to be with me because my ex-partner travels all the time and cannot take care of them

         3. I need my ex-partner to support us financially until the kids turn 21, this includes helping pay for college

   2. Take the time to ask what is important to him/her

   3. Write down all the major things you have agreed on

4. Find a mediator lawyer to help with putting the agreement into the legal terms. Don’t allow lawyers to change your resolutions or cause you two to argue on how to divide the assets. Remember, your goal is to come to a peaceful resolution that is fair enough; it is NOT to punish and hurt your former spouse, even if you feel he/she deserves it. You don’t want your ex and kids to say “ what a mean jerk he/she is that he/she did this to get the extra 5k.” You want to always remember to make the right decision for the long term.

Remember, divorce is rarely a “one and done” solution. As mentioned earlier, you both will likely continue to see each other later on, especially if you have kids. Since you will have to work together in the future, try to use the above steps to remain cordial. In the rare case that your ex is really there to hurt you, or not open to work with you, you should hire a lawyer to protect yourself. But that should be the last resort and try to keep it as short as possible. Otherwise, a lot of your money will go to the lawyer anyway. 

“And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the

result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever.”

Isaiah 32:17