Stay or Divorce: How Do I Decide?
No one ever plans to get a divorce. When we said “I do,” we all hoped for a life of “and they lived happily ever after.” Then life happened. We changed and now we find ourselves facing the possibility of divorce. How do we make sure we are making the right decision?
Before we dive into the detailed 5-step process, I would like to share a framework I used for this very important and personal decision. I called this “the DYM” (Dear-younger-me) approach. This helps us not let the emotions impact/drive your decision.
Now, imagine you came from the future to help your younger self make the best decision possible
Think Deep: Listen to your heart and be clear on what is important to you
Think Long: Think long term
Think Wide: Be systematic and make sure not missing critical aspects
Step 1A - R.E.S.T and get to a decision-ready state
Most people can’t make wise decisions when they are exhausted. However, divorce is a decision that needs to be taken seriously and those considering it should keep in mind the following realities:
Getting a divorce is one of the most important and complex decisions in your life. It not only changes your life forever, it also impacts everyone around you, especially your kids. You must take time and think it through, never rush into it, or make a decision based on emotion.
Divorce is usually a one-way street. Once you are divorced, it is very rare that you can undo your decision.
The grass is not always greener on the other side. In the midst of the pain, anything may seem better than being with your current spouse and the thought of staying in the relationship for years of misery may scare you and feel impossible. In fact, I remember myself thinking, “ I would rather die than living like this.” However, _____
If you have kids, you will still see your spouse on many occasions after the divorce.
Do not make any decisions - just rest. Find a safe space, such as a friend’s or family’s house , and focus on taking care of yourself for a few days. Don't talk about the divorce or separation. Eat healthy food and sleep as much as you can to regain physical strength. Take as much time to “R.E.S.T.” as you need. You can’t make a good decision if you are exhausted.
Remove yourself from the daily grind. Find a family member or trusted friend to take care of the kids for a few days
Enter a safe place: Find a peaceful and emotionally safe place and take a short retreat/vacation
Satisfy your physical needs: Nurture your body and soul: eat healthy food, exercise appropriately
Together: Go to Step 1B when you feel you are together and “human” and energetic enough to tackle a hard problem
Step 1B - Find out what is truly important to you
In a normal situation, it is relatively easy to identify your goals. But in this situation, it can be quite difficult. You are hurt, and likely experiencing deep emotional pain. You have probably had a lot of fights and have attempted to talk through it or gone to therapy. Although you tried many alternatives to find a solution, nothing seemed to work.
Please take time to clarify your values and resist the urge to think about the divorce. Ask yourself clarification questions to figure out the key values your decision should be based on
Whether you get divorced or not, what do you want your life to be like?
What are the most important things in your life?
Here is an example “most important to me” list:
I want what is best for my kids. I want my kids to be cared for, grow up emotionally healthy and strong
Happy family: I want our family to be able to laugh often at home, everyone feel secure and loved as well
We can really trust each other and have each other’s back?
Step 2A - Explore the possibilities
Imagine what your current marriage could be:
If you had a magic wand and could change your marriage and/or partner, what would you change? What would your new marriage look like? Make a list of things you want to change.
If your partner is willing to change, what are you willing to give up/change on your part?
Are you willing to forgive him/her?
Are you willing to stop doing certain things that you know are hurting your marriage?
Unless it was an arranged marriage, you once loved each other and wanted to be together. Although that may feel like it was ages ago and you no longer love him, can you remember why you loved him? Write these reasons down (Hint: usually opposites attract).
Write down some nice things that he did for you while you were together.
Step 2B - Understand what you are running away from:
It is very important to get this list so you know what the specific problems are, rather than a vague “it just does not work.”
Identify the top 3-5 non-negotiable items that you absolutely will not tolerate in your marriage
Start with a list of all things that you don’t like
Identify the top 3 deal-breakers that must change
Identify what you can change. For each of the items, ask:
In this issue, what is my responsible part?
Is there anything I can do to change this?
Step 2C - Explore the possibility with your spouse
If possible, ask your spouse to do the same exercise in step 2A and 2B so you can understand his/her point of view. This step might also be done preferably with a counselor.
Seek to understand: Go to a mutual respected friend, a marriage counselor, or a pastor and share the notes from step 2A & 2B with each other. Be extremely courteous, and let each other talk without interrupting or defending yourself. Ask a mutual friend to be with you if possible. Note:
After the discussion, ask yourself: “Is there any chance we could make it work?”
If the answer is ” yes, possibly” even if it is uncertain and only remotely possible. You should pause/stop watching the video or reading this document. Your next step is to figure out what to do and what changes you are willing to make. Find a marriage counselor and fight for your marriage as if your life depends on it because it is worth it! After all, the worst thing that could happen is that you try everything and fail. But by doing so, you now know for sure you have taken the best course of action and you will have no regrets!
If you are a Christian, I recommend you go to your church and ask your church to pray for you. Miracles do happen with prayer! I would also highly recommend you check out the “Hope Restored” ministry in “Focus on the Family.” (https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/ )
If the answer is still a “Not a chance! No way! We were done a long time ago,” then, let’s put our critical thinking hat on and double check the pros and cons in Step 3 to 5.
Step 3 - Compare the different scenario of “divorce or stay”
Remember that this is one the most important decision for the rest of your life, we want to do as much due diligence as possible. We will write down the best case, worst case, and most likely cases for each option, with regard to the most important things to you and your family.
One thing to note here, it is not to write down the best case, worst case about everything. It is to focus on the decision criteria you wrote in step one, so you don’t lose your big picture. Again, this is good to keep some distance between your emotion and your decision, and try to take the “Dear Younger Me” framework. I know this sounds very business-like and sounds very complicated. Here is an example that someone put together.
Remember that list of things that was most important from earlier:
Make sure the kids are provided for
Happy family environment that everyone include me feel loved
We trust each other completely
Step 4 - Compare the different scenario of “divorce or stay”
Calibrate/Test each of your answers with “ Deep, Long, wide and the DYM future me” framework:
Is that truly what is most important,
Is the answer/pain and gain from a long term or short term view,
Any other important aspects I have missed?
Is this what the “future me” would come back and tell me
Find one or two trusted, even-keeled friends who love you enough to tell you the truth
Ask your friends to give you honest feedback on the questions/answers you listed. Don’t ask for their opinions on whether you should get a divorce or not, only solicit feedback on how true your answers to the questions are.
Take as much time as you need to complete this step. Please remember that divorce is typically a one-way trip and very rarely do couples come back. Please do not rush to the decision, no matter how tempting that is. Take a week, take two weeks, take a month, or longer if needed to read your answers and talk to your friend on your question 6-8, before determining if you really are ready to divorce? Never, never rush to this decision!
Step 5 - Face the decision with courage and wisdom
If after all these steps, both of you still reach the conclusion to go forward with the divorce. Hopefully, though feeling sad, you are at peace with the decision.
Final check point of decision process:
Do take your time
Make sure you are making the decision when you are not too emotional. If you are very emotional, take a break and come back when rested
Make sure you made your decision from a place of courage. We are all fearful at times: fear of pain, fear of future, fear of hard work, fear of change
Make sure the decisions are driven by your well-thought criteria, nothing else. Sometimes, we are put under various pressure, but don’t make this decision under pressure
My friend, I know how difficult this has been. I know how heavy this decision feels. I know how dim, uncertain and scary the future may look like this moment. I know that you are emotionally, physically exhausted and still have a long journey ahead. I know how you would wish this is already over and tomorrow is already here. My friend, my heart aches for the pain you are going through and my prayers are with you. In the meantime, you have just made a very wise, courageous decision for you and your family. You fought a hard battle against your fear, your emotion and you won! It may not feel like a victory, but it is. The battle within is the hardest of all and you just finished a major one! You are already growing stronger, wiser through this pain and suffering. I will be here supporting you, sharing some experiences, lessons learned for the rest of the divorce process.
I am so proud of you. I am here rooting for you!
““For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.””
Jeremiah 29:11