Overview of the Divorce Process
Although recently the marriage and divorce rates have both been decreasing in US, the ratio of new marriage and divorce remains at about 50%. In 2018, the newly-married rate was about 16.6%, while the divorce rate was about 7%; i.e., for every two new marriages, there is approximately one divorce. Yet despite our best efforts to succeed both in our marriages and careers, many of us have had to endure the painful process of divorce.
Divorce often results in devastating consequences. A few of the areas of impact include:
Identity crisis: Who am I after the divorce? Am I a failure?
Emotional trauma: Can I trust people again? Did my pursuit of professional success cause my marriage to fail?
Financial impact: Will I be able to manage relying on one income rather than two?
Impact to career: How do I prevent stress and fear amidst the transition from hurting my performance and potentially losing my job?
Worry and impact to the kids: Am I permanently scarring my kids? How can I help them while I am still in pain?
Cultural burden: For example, for those of us from an Asian or Middle Eastern background, how do I talk about this with my extended family? How do I deal with shame and tension the divorce has brought to my other relationships?
Clearly, the divorce process and subsequent consequences can be brutal and emotionally scarring. For those of us who take on a new single-parent status, we face not only additional pressure in our personal lives (such as managing new financial constraints, raising kids alone, maintaining normal day-to-day activities), but also at work. While we might put a brave face on and go through the motions, deep inside, we feel completely broken. We are in inner turmoil as we wrestle with the many complicated emotions of regret, shame, fear, and feeling like a failure. Today, we will walk through the four phases of the divorce process. We will not have time to go into the details today, but we will go through all four phases at a high level, so you know what is ahead and what to expect.
The first phase is the “Deciding to divorce” phase. This is when you make the final decision whether to stay or jump off the marriage train. Quite often, we decide to divorce because our marriage is in a bad place and we feel hopeless and think nothing can be any worse. We know how important this decision is. But many times, we are not taking the right steps to make sure we are making the best decision possible. When we are tired, stressed, hurt or angry, we don’t normally have the best judgment and tend to do things we later regret. Right now, if you are considering a divorce, very likely, you are feeling hurt, angry, emotionally exhausted and you are probably not in a mental state to make the best decisions. So, the first step is to get you to a place of making sound decisions, by putting you in a better mental/emotional state and helping you figure out your decision criteria. Then, the next step is to help you explore any possibilities to rescue your marriage. While divorce might seem to be a relief, or quick fix, saving your current marriage is still one of the best options if possible. If it is not possible, then we need to help you really understand what life will be after the divorce and make sure you are prepared before jumping off the train. We will have some tools and worksheets to help you with this decision process in a later section. The goal here is to make sure the right decision is made, and you are and will be at peace with whatever the decision you make.
Now that you have decided going forward with the divorce, the second phase is the initial separation and discussion.
Many people thought divorce was about splitting the finances, ownership of houses and arrangement for kids. These are all part of it, but not all. They would rush to hire a lawyer and let the lawyer drive the process, trying to get as much money as possible. This typically leads to a long and hurtful legal battle, a very large legal bill, and more importantly, many years of bitterness and hurt from the divorce process. Years later, they may look back and ask “Why did I do that and not do this?” During the initial phase, You need to make sure you establish what your desired outcome should be. Please remember, the lawyers get paid by the hour, they can be helpful with the legal process, but they are not here to make decisions for you. When divorce is over, you are the one who has to live with the consequences, while the lawyers move on to help the next divorce. Despite what the lawyers told you, don’t hire the lawyer too early. Give yourself time to figure out the important items: your desired outcome – what are the most important things you want to happen, to keep when the divorce is over. If possible, reach the initial agreement with your spouse on the critical items. After all, you know each other well and both of you care about the kids. You will be surprised how much you can agree on. Once that is done, you can get the lawyers to draw out the details. Of course, there are situations where this is not an option, and you have to rely on the legal system.
The third phase is the actual legal process. Even in the best cases when all the big items are agreed on and you don’t have any major fights, this is still not easy. There are many papers to be collected, documents to be filed, and many negotiations to be made. Every little thing could trigger arguments and painful memories or the pain of ending some good memories. Everything seems to be so difficult and so weighty, from which day the kids stay with whom, who pays for the soccer lessons and to what to do with the house. On top of this, you are trying to hold the family together, protecting the kids from getting hurt in this, you are telling them “Oh, it is just mom and dad don’t want to be together, it is not your fault. And we both love you and will still take care of you.” Then there is the job, if you are lucky enough to have one. Knowing you will be a single parent, you really need to keep this job stable, at least for while. This is no time to change or find a new job if you can help it.
This is one of the most challenging times of one’s life. Days are hard, and nights are long. The negotiations may take from a few months to a few years. You really need a strategy to get through this trying time with minimal emotional damage to you and your kids. We will share some strategies to help you in a later video. This is a time in your life that you need and should graciously accept help from family and friends. Ask them to help you with the chores and take care of the kids when needed. pay for the baby sitting, or house cleaning services if you can afford it. Pay lawyers for the legal process, but don’t let them overcomplicate things. Find a better lawyer if needed.
This phase seems to last forever. But it does end, and yes, thankfully, this too will pass!
The next and the final phase is the recovery phase. After the papers are signed and the lawyers are gone, you start finding your new routines. Many of us will be so busy making ends meet and keeping ourselves together, that we do not even realize that we are badly hurt from the trauma. We could be carrying the injury for years. I remember 3 years after my divorce, I was at a women's retreat, sharing life stories with a small group. I remember the tears running down on my face as I told them that I was still feeling like a bird with my wings cut off and that I could never fly again. If you are at this phase, you are probably relieved the divorce is finally over, but may also feel that your life is in ruins and you aren’t sure who you are any more, and you doubt you are capable of building your dream life. But I know you can! In the following sections, we will give you some strategies and tools to help you bounce back faster.
I know life is really hard right now, and you don’t know what tomorrow may bring. Depending on where you are in the process, you will need different tools and strategies. You will find the links to help you at the end of this video. My goal today is to help you see the big picture, and let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You will make it through and you will come out on the other side, stronger and happier.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened,
and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”
Joshua 1:9